Leggo'

As a junior in college, I had a certain professor who taught me more practical knowledge than perhaps any other person in my life. The course was simple: sit in guided, mindful awareness meditation for 15 or 20 minutes each class, and then simply discuss our strategies on writing. The only homework was to write, write anything, for another class, for a personal project, or a journal of some kind. Fifteen minutes a day was the prescribed minimum, and the only means the teacher used to judge our success was an online blog we were instructed to keep. The blog was only meant to be a series of updates on whatever writing was being done. Sounds easy, right?

Like every other class in college, I consistently found myself making the wrong choice--i.e., not doing my work. Even when all I had to do was lie, and make up some bullshit about working on a project, many days throughout that semester I failed to even do that. Oh, and did I mention that during this particular semester, the class I've described was the only one I was enrolled in? Pretty ridiculous to not put out more effort than I did, but... I'd like to say I still learned a lot from that class. The mild self-loathing I developed during the times I was slacking reminded me of any other type of discomfort--it was a message from myself that I was doing something wrong.

That feeling never really goes away... With one exception. When I have managed to apply the lessons I learned from that course--daily mindfulness meditation, daily writing, mindful exercise habits, etc.---I have landed at a valuable insight. What you do every day is what defines who you are. And so, I want to write every day, because on the days that I write, that feeling of wrongness, of wasted time--it goes away. 

This is the blog that I had to create for that class, to do my measly fifteen minutes a day. I'd like to think I can outdo that now, and perhaps without the metaphorical gun to my head in the form of class deadlines I might not be as likely to self-sabotage my master plan. But perhaps the most important lesson of mindfulness is to learn to accept what is. And so, starting now, I plan to let go of that self-critique that pulls me down when I'm not consistently "working" on my creative outlets. Is it really possible to cut that cord? I don't know, but I think I've learned enough about letting go to give it a good shot.